Better Out Than In

‘Better Out Than In’ – is a revolting book that kids absolutely LOVE!
It contains charming stories to entertain ‘sicko’ little blighters who are constantly on the lookout for something to be thrilled about!
The contents?
•Valerie’s Vomit
•Peter’s Pimple
•Whoops!
•Nancy’s Nose
•Eric’s Ear Wax
•Bob’s Burp
There’s nothing like a bit of ‘gross’ to make some kids feel like life is fantastic!

DISCLAIMER
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual people, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.

AUTHOR’S NOTE
The above Disclaimer is false. The following poems are all based on real events and people. They just may have been exaggerated a tiny bit. I got told I had to put in the Disclaimer so I didn’t get sued. If I’d had it my way, it would have been a Warning and it would have gone something like
WARNING
The following poems will make you laugh ... if you don’t mind things that are a teensy bit rude, that is, and haven’t grown up too much. Otherwise, maybe you should go and read something more serious like, oh, I don’t know, A DICTIONARY OR SOMETHING? I bet you just look up the rude words anyway.

Here it is then. If you read the whole ook through and think that its humour is beneath you, that you’re too mature for it oh high and mighty one, you have my full permission to go and read a dictionary. From start to finish. Go on. I dare you. I double dare you. I double dare physical challenge bet you fifty bucks that my book is funnier and more interesting than some stupid dictionary.

P.S. I think disclaimers are silly. No one reads them anyway. I mean, who is reading this right now? No one I bet. So I can say whatever I like in here really. La la la, la la la...la laaaaaaaaa. A whoopedy doo. There’s a smell in the air
that isn’t really fair. I want to be polite, I do, but I swear that smell came out of you!

I wonder if you can buy decoy toilet ducks?

One day I felt like some fries. I went to the drive-through window and asked for nothing. When the salesperson ‘Would you like fries with that?’ I said "yes".

Once upon a time there was a fish. Its name was Bob. None of the other fish liked Bob because they didn’t have names. They just got called Fish 1 and Fish 2 and so on. Bob was actually Fish 2 456 543 456 908, but his parents thought 'Bob' suited him better. All the other fish teased Bob and called him names, like Fish 2 456 543 456 904, who was actually a girl, and Fish 2 456 543 342 459, who was really smelly. So one day Bob took all the fish who picked on him to a feast on display, a smorgasbord of tasty treats. He told them that he would like them to go first, that he would sit back and watch them eat, or float back and watch them eat at least. So he did. And he watched them all get caught on the hooks that held the tasty treats. Bob laughed. He laughed until he cried little
fish tears. Then a shark ate him, and as it chewed it told Bob that he shouldn’t play tricks like that. Then a bigger shark ate that shark, and when it had finished it told the first shark, who was dead and couldn’t hear anyway, that it shouldn’t talk with its mouth full.

I have nothing else to say now, except enjoy the book, and may you always have carrot in your vomit. Thanky